 JOKES AND STORIES A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first." Tim stood up and proudly said, "My mother is a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a brothel." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" ********************
Sometimes truth is stranger (and funnier in a warped sense of the word) then designed comedy. My first day of law school, back in 1983, included the dreaded ritual of introducing yourself to the rest of your section mates. One gentleman stood up, stated his name, said he had a double major from undergraduate studies in Old Testament Theology and Scripture. He further stated that he was married, had two children who were his penitence from God for engaging in pre-marital fornication. He then sat down to complete silence.
Upon graduation, dispite having a 3.6 GPA, the gentleman in
question could not find a postion with a corporate law firm,
as he had hoped for. Instead, he accepted a position with a
prosecutor's office in rural Michigan (yes we have rural
areas in Michigan). After 4-5 years service as an assistent
prosecuter, he ran for and was elected to a District Court
Judicial opening. He held that position for about 4 years
until he was removed from the bench by the Michigan Judicial
Tenure Commision. It seems our hero liked to quote
scripture from the bench and had certain odd ways of
interpreting sentencing guidelines, which include requiring
defendants to pray with him and having certain female
defendants ride home with him so he could "counsel" them.
The final straw came after a jury convicted a defendant of
spousal battery. The defense, "I only beat her because she
was having an affair". The judge required the defendant to
approach the bench, instructed him to hold out his wrist,
slapped his wrist and said "don't ever do that again". ********************
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was
so big when he died that they couldn't find a
coffin big enough to hold the body?
******************** A lawyer is a man who helps you get what's coming to him.
******************** A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"
******************** A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy", replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy. ******************** First Case A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand." The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself when that durned cow came home this morning!" ************************ TWO OUTTA THREE AIN'T BAD....... One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter is there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven. They each will have to answer a single question. To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies, "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate. Next, St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guesses "1,228". St. Peter replies, "That happens to be right. Go ahead." St. Peter then turns to the Lawyer and says, "Name them." ********************
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a Vampire?
What's the definition of a shame (as in "what a shame)?
What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Why don't sharks attack lawyers?
What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? ********************
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course! How much was the roast?" The butcher replied, "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150. ********************
He gets taller!!... ********************
Cats keep trying to cover them up!... ********************
Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession. The Doctor said, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine." The Engineer shook his head and replied, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession." The Lawyer smiled smugly and leaned discreetly forward. "Ah," he said, "but WHO do you think created the Chaos?" ********************
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? What’s the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the
road? What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
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Why are there more Lawyers in New York than in New Jersey? Cause New Jersey chose Toxic Waste Dumps... |
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